Hippy-Cat vs Satan-Cat vs Hybrid-Dog

I currently live with 3 animals, which I’m beginning to think my husband thinks is 3 too many.

There’s Jasper, or, as my friends like to call him, Satan. He’s one of those cats that looks all cute and comes up and bumps his head against you, purring like nothing in the world will ever love you as much as this adorable black fluff-ball, then, after you pet him for a bit, goes all crazy and bites you and runs away. Somehow I always watch his fluffy tail disappearing around the corner into the hall and hear imaginary cackling in my head followed by a very creepy voice sneering “Got you, Bitch.”

Jasper is the black Maine Coon in the back. Woodstock is a domestic shorthair.

We have Woodstock, the old hippy who just lays around all day being chill with his old-guy claws that he can’t retract because he’s old and probably just doesn’t care any more. The coolest thing he’s done in the 8 years since I adopted him is slowly turn his own right eye from green to brown, so now I have a cat with two different colored eyes, which is super awesome.


Then there’s Lula. The hybrid-dog. I call her a hybrid-dog mainly because she’s a mix between a dachshund and a black lab, and even the most chaste, polite people in the world hear that and are all “WTF I wonder who was on top?” I also call her a hybrid-dog because I’m not sure she’s entirely dog. She plays with her toys like a cat or retarded wombat, and I’m relatively certain that she’s at least part garbage disposal, because that chubby little black lab/wiener dog can book it when she hears food wrappers, and don’t you dare drop something or it will be in her stomach before you even realized you weren’t holding it anymore. Also she is part demon. If you’ve ever heard her play tug-of-war, you know what I mean. Those kinds of sounds have no business coming from a dog.

Yes, her legs are very stubby and do actually end in raptor claws.

Anyway, Hippy-cat is usually so super chill that you don’t even know he’s there, until he decides to delve into his hidden cocaine stash to relive the glory days and then starts tearing around the apartment at 2 am meowing crazily and trying to destroy the rug, probably in an attempt to explain to us the horror that was Kitty Nam.

Satan-Cat is the one to watch out for. He’ll lie on his back like a big, black, unconscious blob, making you think he’s friendly and harmless because he’s baring his belly and Animal Planet tells you that that’s an act of submission. But then you try to walk past him and no matter how quiet or careful you are, that sonofabitch reaches out and shanks you.

Jasper ambushing a passing Mexican.

Sometimes Satan-Cat likes to chase Hippy-Cat and jump on his back and make him run laps around the apartment most likely having flashbacks to Kitty Desert Storm until finally Hippy-Cat snaps and punches Satan-Cat in the face like “Bitch, fuck off before I have a heart attack because I was exposed to Agent Orange before your mother was even born.”

While all of this is going on, Hybrid-Dog is usually standing there alert, watching hopefully for an opening so that she can play too, but every time she tries she just gets double-kitty-punched in the face, and has to retreat to wait for another opportunity to join the fun. Sometimes she just chases Satan-Cat while he chases Hippy-Cat, whining in a really annoying high-pitched frequency because she doesn’t like to bark except at people who wear big hats.

Usually I find this to be amusing or at least tolerable. Sometimes I get annoyed and hiss at them like a giant, angry snake, and the two cats scatter in different directions and Hybrid-Dog cowers in submission and pees a little and then I feel bad because they were just trying to have fun because I, their owner, don’t play with them enough and don’t let them outside because I don’t want them to die from cars or eagles or velociraptors.

So I apologize to Hippy-Cat and Satan-Cat, clean up after Hybrid-Dog and pat her little head so she knows I still love her, and let them play some more.

Until I get annoyed again and lock them in separate rooms for time out.